


because of you

by _gncds (taeilcoat)



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, and maybe the end of chapter one, everyone else is mentioned maybe once or twice, for chapter two anyway, i lied the guys make more of an impact in chapter two lol, i mean i guess it depends on how you define hurt??, lapslock, they don't really play a huge part but they're in the story so i tagged them anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeilcoat/pseuds/_gncds
Summary: “hi, i’m joochan,” the stranger introduces after he’s sorted himself out, giving donghyun a bright smile. “you’re donghyun, right?”in which donghyun is like the wind and joochan is like the sea.alternatively: dongchan au where donghyun is drowning and joochan is a breath of fresh air.
Relationships: Hong Joochan/Kim Donghyun
Comments: 30
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter 1

he can’t breathe.

his eyes are watering, his vision is darkening around the edges, his chest feels tight and he just can’t _breathe_.

he can barely hear the words of the people around him, his heartbeat is getting louder, louder and _louder_ in his ears and then it’s gone, replaced by the sound of his blood rushing through his ears, muting everyone as if someone’s pushed him underwater. it’s silent for a moment, but his heart is still beating a little too fast, too loud, and the voices are starting to come back and he can feel the panic grip at his heart and squeeze.

he’s drowning.

donghyun wakes with a start, cold sweat soaked into his shirt as he gasps for the air his lungs so desperately need. the little led clock on the nightstand tells him it’s 06:20 in the morning and the sun is only beginning to rise, the dreary, grey light only just starting to fill his room. falling back onto the bed, he covers his eyes with his arm, trying to bring his breathing back to normal while his mind replays the dream over and over behind his eyelids.

the dream only serves as a reminder of what’s already happened, a warning for what might happen and a reminder as to what he has left to deal with, and his breath begins to quicken again, almost choking with how dry his mouth is becoming. he can feel his heart pounding against his chest, but he forces himself to take deep breaths that make his chest hurt. there’s so much going on, so many thoughts racing through his head and all he wants is for it to be quiet. he just needs time, space and quiet.

but he’s not usually like this.

he sighs, staring up at the ceiling after he’s managed to calm himself down, watching the shadows of the trees dance on the walls as the light gets brighter, listening to the sounds of kamakura waking up for another day. the gentle sound of the ocean is the background noise for the groups of students that walk by his accommodation on their way to school, the ringing of bicycle bells to warn pedestrians of their existence and the sound of cars passing through the streets. the wind makes the trees rustle their branches, nudging at the wind chimes hanging outside the front door and donghyun focuses on the gentle tinkling he can hear because it’s sound is so light and clear, bringing his thoughts back to the present.

licking his dry lips, he forces himself to sit up, reaching for the water jug the owners had kindly prepared for his arrival. pouring water into the glass cup it came with, he drinks slowly, focusing on how the cool water makes it way through his body. one isn’t enough, so he pours another and after the third he finally feels normal again, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as he sets the cup back down on the nightstand.

he stays still for a moment, his eyes closing while his lips part for another sigh. stretching his arms above his head, he opens his eyes again and pulls the covers back, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. there’s no use thinking about it now. it happened, this happened and now he’s here and he may as well make the most of it.

he needs some fresh air.

japan feels different from korea. donghyun doesn’t quite know how to explain it, but it just does.

maybe it’s wanderlust– the feeling of being in a different environment and culture, or maybe it’s the architecture. maybe it’s just kamakura, maybe just japan. maybe it’s how vintage this town feels, how sentimental it seems. or maybe it’s how quiet it is when the day starts, unlike how noisy seoul is. maybe it’s the people, but he hasn’t spoken to enough people to confirm that just yet.

it’s still early, still windy and still too cold to be out, but he can hear the seagulls call each other over the roar of the ocean, can smell the slight scent of salt and it’s already so different from home. pushing his hands deep into his coat pockets, he follows the sound, burying his face into his scarf as the wind picks up the closer he gets to the shore.

he never used to understand the appeal of the beach, especially at times like this where the ocean is far too rough, the sun now high in the sky and the only thing he can hear is the messy harmony of the wind and the sound of waves crashing on the shore. the wind whips his hair in every direction it can, the smell of salt stings his nose and there’s sand being blown into his eyes; and all donghyun can do is cross the road to squint at the scene in front of him, because what else do you do when you can’t swim at the beach?

but somehow in all the chaos, his heart is calm, his head is clear and maybe this is why people liked coming to the beach so much. focusing on the sound of the waves, he inhales and moves to sit on the stone wall, watching people on the shore below. some people are surfing, others are taking a run. some people are stretching and if he looks further out along the horizon, he can see people on boats reeling in their catch for the day.

and then there’s someone else sitting on the shore facing the ocean, just like he is, and somehow donghyun can’t take his eyes off him because he feels like he’s seen that back image before. the image of someone who’s just as lost as he is.

his mind wanders back to the nightmare that woke him up and donghyun has to dig his nails into the palms of his hands to stay calm. he’d come out all this way to forget about his problems, but his problems always find him anyway because he’s kim donghyun, the worrier of his friend group. the one who always has something to nag about, who is so very detailed when it comes to his work, who always works harder than anyone and the one who always lives in his head a little too much to be considered healthy. at least, that’s what his housemate, daeyeol hyung, says.

he doesn’t know how long he’s been staring, but eventually the stranger gets up and cups his hands around his mouth, letting the wind carry his scream away and donghyun raises his brows.

what a strange man.

turns out the stranger is also a guest at the bed and breakfast he’s staying in.

after finally having enough of the beach, donghyun heads back only to see him at the front door talking animatedly to the auntie who owns the bed and breakfast. he watches them for a moment, noticing his blond hair and his bright smile and that he has a laugh that’s a little husky, even though his normal talking voice is deeper, richer, smoother.

he’s holding a camera and donghyun idly wonders what kind of pictures he’s taken, or what kind of story he has to tell. he doesn’t let himself wonder any more than he needs to because really, it’s none of his business. instead he turns to wander down a different side street, missing the way the blond looks at him with curiosity as he watches him disappear around the corner.

he’s back at the beach again the next day, this time in the late afternoon. instead of staying up next to the road, donghyun goes down to the shore, feeling his feet sink into the soft sand with every step he takes, ignoring how it fills in the gaps in his sneakers. he stands as close as he can get to the water without getting himself wet and then he closes his eyes, letting the sounds of the ocean take the negative thoughts away.

the wind isn’t as rough as it was the previous morning, the gentle breeze caressing his cheek as the smell of salt hangs in the air. he can hear children laughing as they play in the sand and in the water, screaming and laughing as they chase each other and the waves. he can hear people around him enjoying the scenery, exercising or the sounds of people swimming in the ocean, taking advantage of how calm it is.

everyone sounded so free here, but why wasn’t he?

opening his eyes slowly, he chews on his bottom lip while sighing through his nose. he still doesn’t know if coming to japan would help him solve any of his problems. probably not. he’d suddenly panicked at practice, ran away from it and then ran away from all his problems by booking a flight to japan. his housemates blew up his phone as soon as he left, his parents called him out of worry but told him to stay safe and then minchan was the one nagging at him for being irresponsible.

maybe he _is_ being irresponsible.

from the corner of his eye he sees someone hopping in the wet sand, getting closer in his direction. his curiosity piqued, he turns to look properly, blinking while watching a familiar blond leave deep footprints in the sand.

“what are you doing?” donghyun asks before he can stop himself.

the stranger looks up at him with an almost childish grin, straightening up to retrace his steps while recording them with his camcorder. donghyun tilts his head, his hands deep in his pockets as he watches the blond do his thing. he’s not quite sure why anyone would want to record something like footprints in the sand, but maybe he had a project he was working on, or had something else he wanted to do that donghyun didn’t understand.

he almost gives up on an answer after a minute or two without a response, about to turn back to face the ocean again when he sees the stranger jumps back with a slight yell, laughing sheepishly when his eyes meet donghyun’s. “phew, that was close. i almost dropped the camcorder– now _that_ would have been a disaster.” donghyun only raises his brows in response. 

“hi, i’m joochan,” the stranger introduces after he’s sorted himself out, giving donghyun a bright smile. “you’re donghyun, right?”

“how do you know my name?” donghyun asks, trying to keep his expression neutral. he fails, his brows pulling together in a soft frown, but joochan doesn’t seem deterred. instead he plays around with the camcorder and then folds the screen in, putting it back into his pocket. “auntie seems to be a little worried about you. she says you’re great, very polite, but you always look like you have a really heavy burden on your shoulders.”

donghyun hums, turning back towards the ocean. is he that obvious? did he really look that stressed? he sighs, tilting his head back to look up at the blue sky that’s starting to blend with different shades of oranges and pinks as the sun begins to set. he tries not to think about anything, tries to ignore the nagging thought that he’s being stupid for being here, for _running away_ ; trying to focus on the scene in front of him and on his breathing. his hands ball into fists in his pockets and then he’s digging his fingers into the palms of his hands, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

_i’m okay. it’s okay. i’m okay._

_but there’s still_ so much _to do, even auntie can–_

the telltale sound of a camera shutter jolts him out of his thoughts and when he turns his head to face joochan again, the blond only takes another photo. “sorry,” joochan offers, letting his camera hang around his neck again. “you looked like a really good photo op just then.”

the comment makes donghyun smile a little, lowering his head to watch the waves lap at the shore in front of them. he’s almost jealous. even joochan sounded so carefree here. “that’s okay.” he says quietly, so quiet that joochan almost missed it with the sudden gust of wind that comes.

maybe he should have just stayed at home. at least if he were still in korea he could practice until the early hours of the morning and he’d be prepared when the performance actually arrives. a cold chill runs down his spine when he realises: he only has a week before the performance after he goes back.

pressing his lips together in an attempt to suppress the shudder that comes with the sudden cold, joochan moves to stand closer to donghyun so he doesn’t have to yell. “if it’s okay with you, do you want to have dinner together? you don’t need to talk, but maybe some company might help.”

it takes a moment, but the words eventually connect with donghyun and he blinks slowly. for the last two days, he’d toured kamakura alone with his thoughts and had come up with no answers to any of the questions and problems he had. he’d only been thinking, thinking, thinking and _thinking_ while trying to keep his head above the water, while trying to keep his heart from sinking every other moment and maybe that was his problem.

sungyoon hyung had always told him he thought too much.

and this time donghyun swallows, forcing the lump in his throat back down, nodding as an afterthought. “yeah, that sounds good, actually. some company would be really nice.”

maybe a distraction is just what he needs.

he finds out they’re the same age, that joochan is born in july and that he’s is travelling right now because he doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life. he finds out that joochan’s hair used to be pink, but it’s faded out in the last couple of weeks and it’s back to blond, and that the film camera he’s using belongs to his dad. the camcorder is his though; _a spur of the moment purchase_ , joochan had described it as and he learns of all the places joochan’s been to in the last year, but he’s returning to korea soon because there’s really nothing like home and donghyun tells him of how jealous he is to have been so free for a year. joochan only smiles and sips on his drink.

he doesn’t really know if they can call each other friends, but he hangs out with joochan a lot after that.

it’s almost like they’ve been friends for years because joochan shows him all of the hidden restaurants and cafes he’s found, takes him to all the tourist spots they haven’t seen yet and they talk and bicker just like old friends. the whole time, donghyun watches him as he records his journey on the film camera and his camcorder. he helps donghyun take some photos too and they take some together, but donghyun isn’t really the kind of person to take that many photos in the first place and joochan doesn’t force him.

joochan never forces him.

he waits, he shares things about himself when donghyun doesn’t want to and if donghyun doesn’t want to go somewhere, they don’t go. maybe he’ll tease him a little, but joochan never makes him feel uncomfortable.

so maybe that’s why he goes to joochan on the fifth night, stumbling right into his arms as soon as he opens the door to his room.

his head is throbbing, he’s gasping for air and his eyes are filling with tears he really doesn’t want. his hands are shaking, he’s cold, there’s a weight on his chest and it hurts so, so much– he feels like it’ll crush his ribs, lungs and his heart, but he can’t breathe. he’s trying and trying, but he just _can’t_ because his throat is dry, he wants to throw up and everything _hurts_. he knows he’s being stupid and he knows he’s being dramatic and he _knows_ it’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it and he doesn’t know what to do.

but joochan is calm, he’s understanding and he’s here.

joochan is holding him close, his arms are squeezing him tight and he’s leading donghyun towards his bed so they can sit down. sitting proves to be a little awkward, so he lies him down instead and when he has donghyun tucked in, he begins to move away to get something from his bag, but donghyun’s fingers curl into the cuff of his sleeve, begging him to stay through his tears and he does. he lies down beside the smaller man, letting him press as close as he physically can, wrapping his arms around donghyun’s shoulders while his fingers sink into donghyun’s soft brown hair, murmuring comforting words into the top of his head.

they stay like that for a while, with donghyun’s arms wrapped tight around joochan’s waist, his fingers fisting the fabric of joochan’s shirt. he’s still shaking, still crying, his breathing is still ragged and his chest is still heaving with the need for air, but he’s calming down while focusing on joochan’s presence, focusing on how he smells and then suddenly joochan is singing for him and donghyun only has to close his eyes and _focus_.

he matches his breathing with joochan’s, slow and deep and joochan’s voice is so rich, so pretty and so clear, it pierces through his erratic thoughts, scattering them with the night wind to still his mind. joochan’s fingers dance through the strands of his hair, his other hand splayed warmly against the back of his shoulder and he presses closer, feeling exhaustion settle over his body.

he’s so tired.

he doesn’t really know how they’ve gotten to this, but donghyun’s head is on joochan’s chest and all he can hear is joochan’s heartbeat against his ear. his own heart is pounding against his chest and luckily for him, it seems like joochan is a deep sleeper and hasn’t noticed yet.

their legs are tangled together and they’re in joochan’s room again because after the first time, he doesn’t let donghyun sleep alone. the second time they sleep together, donghyun argues in embarrassment and joochan tells donghyun to just imagine they’re having a sleepover to keep him quiet. he talks all night about everything and nothing as they lay side by side in a bed that’s a little too small for two people, talking enough to keep donghyun’s mind off the problems that come to him only at night. the third time, donghyun just lets him do whatever he wants because while joochan doesn’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, joochan always does everything his heart wants to do and he makes himself comfortable in donghyun’s bed instead, his pinkie curling around donghyun’s as they share earphones to listen to some of joochan’s favourite songs.

it’s the morning of donghyun’s ninth day and he swallows, his fingers curling into joochan’s shirt nervously. his flight is tomorrow night.

tilting his head back slowly, he watches joochan sleep for a moment and wonders what kind of relationship they have. donghyun’s not normally one to sleep with anyone for any reason, let alone a random person he’d just met on his holiday, but joochan is so warm, he’s comforting and he’s the ground that donghyun needs. his heart is calm, his head is quiet and it’s all because of him.

all because joochan is here with him.

he hears the wind chimes ring from the front door and he makes himself comfortable again, sighing as he nuzzles closer. joochan smells like autumn, which is coincidentally donghyun’s favourite season. he smells like apples, cinnamon mixed with warm coffee and the spices every café uses in their pastries. under all of that, there’s a hint of the warm sun, of dried leaves and flowers, a splash of smoke from the fireplace, the smell of his favourite winter blankets and the slightest trace of salt.

maybe he smells like salt because they’ve been visiting the beach every afternoon, sitting on the sand side by side, watching the sun set before dinner. or maybe he smells like salt because lately, donghyun’s been thinking that joochan is like the sea. he goes wherever he wants to go, feels what he wants to feel and does whatever his heart wants to do. he’s calm but unpredictable, gentle but also rough and donghyun is a little bit jealous because he wants to be like that too.

but donghyun is like the wind. he’s quiet and he blends in. he works hard, gets his results and then he repeats it over and over, trapped in his own head. he has his moments of anger, but they never last long, they never do anything and then it dies down and he’s still. people tell him he’s mature for his age, tell him that he’s good at being the adult figure in his friend group, but he doesn’t want to be. he doesn’t want that responsibility.

if only he could just disappear like the wind does.

and then suddenly there are fingers at the nape of donghyun’s neck, curling into his hair slowly and joochan sighs. “what are you thinking about? you’re sighing a lot.”

his voice is deep with sleep, husky from the lack of use and donghyun smiles a little, letting him play with his hair. “just about breakfast.”

“oh? i like the sound of breakfast.”

donghyun hums. “i was thinking about maybe getting some pastries.”

“ah, have i taken you to that bakery café yet?” joochan asks, yawning into his free hand. donghyun almost wants to move so he can look at the blond while they talk, but his fingers feel so nice in his hair and he stays still, waiting for joochan to continue. “they have so many choices of teas, bread and pastries and their coffee is really good too, even though you don’t really like coffee.”

“mm, that sounds good. let’s go there.” donghyun murmurs, moving to sit up. he can feel his heart drop to his stomach with the need to get up for a new day, but joochan is giving him a sleepy smile and donghyun takes a deep breath while returning it.

_it’s okay. i’m okay._

donghyun doesn’t really remember what they do that day, but the sun eventually sets, the moon rises high into the sky and donghyun is left with his thoughts while joochan takes a shower, staring blankly at his phone.

the last thing he remembers is having dinner with joochan at a little cosy, dimly lit italian restaurant they’d found near the beach, sitting by the window to listen to the sounds of the ocean while talking about how cream sauce pasta is so much better than ones with tomato sauce. but then joochan asks him about tomato cream sauce pasta and they get into a heated debate about which one is better because joochan eats everything and anything and donghyun just doesn’t like tomatoes.

he sighs, tilting his head back to rest against the wall behind him, staring up at the dark ceiling. he doesn’t want to leave. he doesn’t want to go home, but he has an important performance coming up and this is huge for him. he’s got the closing performance because he’s apparently the hottest freshman they’ve had in _years_ (or so they say), but donghyun’s never wanted that title. he just wanted to dance. according to his seniors, this performance could set him up with a great dance company after he graduates, maybe even have them help sponsor his degree if they’re really set on him, but he doesn’t know if he can handle all this stress.

maybe he can’t.

his eyes slide shut as he heaves another sigh and he’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear the door to his room creak open and then click shut, only noticing joochan’s presence when the bed dips under the blond’s weight. “you spend a lot of time up there, you know,” joochan says, sitting next to him so that their knees touch. “i can almost hear how hard your brain is working.”

“shut up,” donghyun mumbles, opening his eyes again when he feels joochan’s hand rest on his thigh. looking towards the blond, he watches as joochan scrolls through the files on his phone. “what are you doing?”

“i just thought of something i wanted you to hear.” is the response and without looking up, joochan hands him an earbud. wordlessly donghyun takes it, pressing it into his ear as joochan’s hand drops back down to rest on his knee this time, his thumb idly swiping across the fabric. they sit in silence for a few more moments before joochan releases a quiet _ah!_ and then there’s the sound of a piano playing through the earpiece and after the intro, joochan’s voice comes through and donghyun’s breath catches in his throat.

they’re quiet for the first minute or so, with donghyun listening to the lyrics while joochan is humming along, his fingers tapping against donghyun’s knee as if he’s playing the piano. “originally, i was going to name this ‘a song for me’,” joochan says after the first chorus, a gentle smile forming on his lips. donghyun only looks into his lap, picking at his nails while listening to him and to the song. it’s not about him and it’s not his story, but somehow the song calms him and at this point, he’s not sure if it’s really the song or if it’s because of joochan.

because somehow, joochan always knows what he needs in that moment. “maybe i should name it ‘a song for donghyun’ instead.”

“why are you showing me this?”

joochan hums. “just thought you needed to hear it.”

and that’s all they say about the song for the rest of the night.

the following morning is a repeat of the others. donghyun wakes up too early to see that joochan is still beside him and donghyun still doesn’t know why. he thinks too much before joochan wakes up and when he does, the blond is always asking about breakfast. really, if there was one thing in this world joochan could never give up, donghyun thinks it would be food. specifically, fried chicken. joochan’s eyes always sparkled when he talked about fried chicken and donghyun still isn’t quite sure what he thinks about that.

as always, joochan takes him to eat something good, but donghyun barely eats his breakfast. he can’t– he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to keep it down. his stomach is doing somersaults, his heart is racing and his hands are beginning to sweat with the thought of going back. he has a two-hour train ride before he even reaches the airport and he still doesn’t know what he’s going to do for two hours, especially because joochan won’t be there with him.

“you look like you’re going to puke.” joochan says nicely, chewing on the gummy bears he’d bought from the convenience store on their way back from breakfast. he’d insisted on donghyun buying some snacks to take with him on the train because he didn’t eat much at breakfast, but donghyun doesn’t think he’ll be able to eat at all. it felt hard enough to even keep his iced tea down.

“don’t,” donghyun groans, closing the lid to his suitcase. “i feel like it.”

joochan leans back to stretch himself out on donghyun’s bed, propping his head up with his arm. “have you packed everything? chargers? money? passport?”

“yes, yes, yes and yes.” the brunet sighs, locking his suitcase but still going through his backpack to make sure he’s seen his belongings for himself. when he’s made sure all of the important things are where they’re supposed to be, donghyun zips up his backpack and sighs, stretching his arms out behind him to lean back, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling.

he really was going back to korea today.

“hey, donghyun,” joochan calls, interrupting his thoughts. donghyun hums, only turning his head to look at him. he watches as joochan shuffles back a little, messing up his once perfectly made bed, patting the now empty space beside him. “come here.”

“what is it this time?” donghyun asks, rolling his eyes. but he joins him on the bed anyway because now his hands are shaking and he doesn’t think he’ll be okay anymore, stretching out on his stomach to bury his face into the pillow. he’s acutely aware of joochan’s presence beside him, but nothing happens and he sighs into the pillow, turning his head away from joochan to bury it into his arm so he can breathe. if only he’d bought a one-way ticket.

all of a sudden, there’s a warmth on his back and joochan’s fingers dance along his spine. donghyun wonders then if he’s relying too much on the stranger he’d met on this trip, humming in approval when he feels the gentle tingles that accompanies the touch. “i don’t know what’s been bothering you lately,” joochan says slowly, his eyes following his fingers. “but i think you’ll be okay.”

“maybe.” is the only response he gets before donghyun sighs again, pulling the pillow closer as if he’s about to curl in on himself. joochan chuckles, imagining his expression, but his fingers don’t stop and they don’t say anything more. joochan hums the song he’d shown donghyun the night before, his fingers continuing to run over the bumps in his spine and donghyun’s eyes slide shut in an attempt to enjoy this moment while it lasted.

but there’s something bothering him, and it’s the fact that joochan is still here even though donghyun has never really shared much about himself or about why he’s here. joochan’s told him almost everything about himself and yet he still offered donghyun comfort, even though he didn’t know what from. heaving another sigh, donghyun feels his nerves bubble in his chest and he chews on his lower hip, his eyes fluttering open to stare at his luggage sitting on the floor. he hasn’t been fair and joochan deserves to know.

“i have a really big dance performance coming up in a week,” donghyun mumbles, hearing joochan’s voice become quiet. his fingers don’t still and now they’re drawing shapes into his back and donghyun almost smiles when he feels joochan write out the characters for ‘fool’. “and i ran away from practice to come here.”

“you ran away from practice.” joochan repeats, amusement evident in his voice. donghyun rolls his eyes and starts to wriggle away, but joochan laughs, tells him he’s sorry and tugs at the back of his shirt to get him to move back. he does.

they’re silent as they settle again and joochan goes back to drawing random shapes into his back, waiting for donghyun to continue. “apparently this performance is a really big deal. you can have your whole career sorted out for you if you do well enough,” donghyun sighs, his fingers curling into the pillow when he feels his chest tighten. under his fingers, joochan can feel donghyun’s muscles tense and he hums. “i’m only in my first year, but they gave me the closing performance.”

“whoa, that’s huge. congratulations.”

“yeah, it was great until i got so stressed, i panicked and ran away.” donghyun mumbles, more to himself than to joochan. it’s so quiet that joochan hears him anyway, his hand now resting over donghyun’s hip, his thumb stroking the exposed skin of donghyun’s waist soothingly. his hand is warm, is always warm, and donghyun closes his eyes again while exhaling slowly, focusing on his touch.

for once, joochan doesn’t reply straight away. instead, he takes his time to mull over the new information, sliding his hand a little further up donghyun’s side until his whole palm is flush against donghyun’s stomach under his shirt, moving closer so that his chest is pressed against donghyun’s back.

“are you scared?” joochan murmurs into donghyun’s ear, nuzzling the skin just beneath it gently.

donghyun swallows, feeling his whole body tingle, his tongue darting out to wet his dry lips before he answers in a whisper. “yeah.” he can feel joochan smile against his skin and donghyun shivers, unsure if his heart is skipping beats because joochan is here or because he’s nervous as hell right now.

“i know you’ll do great, you just have to believe in yourself a little. you’re really bad at that, you know? you need to quieten down up there sometimes.”

the brunet laughs a little at that, some of his nerves fading away as he opens his eyes again, feeling joochan’s smile widen. his housemates had always told him the same thing, but it sounded different coming from joochan. maybe it was how he said it, or just the way he said things, but whatever it was it always made donghyun want to believe in every word he said. everything sounded different if joochan said it because somehow, joochan always made everything sound like it'd be okay. “mm, i know.”

they lie like that for a while, falling back into silence. donghyun heaves another sigh, feeling his heart settle a little more and joochan snuggles closer to him, beginning to feel warm and sleepy. maybe joochan was right. donghyun spent too much time in his head, always spent too much time in his head, and maybe all this overthinking was making him more anxious than he needed to be. it’s not his first performance, nor is it his first solo performance. it might be the first time he’s closing the show for a big event, but he’d always done well for his other performances, so what was so different about this one?

_maybe the fact that your whole career is at stake?_

_stop._

_you still have problems at the bridge. you’ll hurt yourself if you don’t execute that move properly._

_stop,_ now _._

_and that–_

**_stop._ **

they don’t know how much time passes, but eventually they hear the roll of thunder and joochan stirs. donghyun almost wants to whine when joochan lifts his head from his neck to check the time, but then joochan is pulling away, patting his hip and telling him they have to go to the train station, or else donghyun will miss his flight.

he really wouldn’t mind at this point.

reluctantly he gets up, the tiny seed of confidence joochan planted in his heart being smothered by dread. once his coat is on and they’ve scoured the room one last time for any forgotten belongings, donghyun says goodbye to the auntie who fusses over him at the door, telling him to stay warm, be happy and come back again soon. he receives some snacks she’s packed for him and donghyun does his best to give her the brightest smile he can, thanking her for her hospitality.

joochan has his luggage, with an umbrella hanging around his wrist and then they’re making their way to the train station, each step getting heavier and heavier for donghyun as the sky continues to darkens, the smell of rain thick in the air.

“luckily auntie made us take an umbrella.” joochan says cheerfully, looking up at the dark sky. he reaches into his jacket and stops momentarily to take a photo, jogging to catch up with donghyun when he’s done. donghyun’s barely listening, focusing on taking deep breaths through his nose, his eyes firmly trained on the road in front of them.

he can’t, he can’t, he _can’t_.

_i’m scared._

but then joochan’s warm hand is sliding into his pocket, wrapping around his hand and donghyun releases the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. he raises his head to look at him, but joochan isn’t even looking back, smiling instead at the world around them. his fingers loosely thread between the spaces between donghyun’s fingers and they walk the rest of the way just like that, with joochan humming every and any song that comes to his mind, with donghyun quietly following him to the station and with their fingers laced together.

somehow joochan’s fingers fit perfectly with donghyun’s. they’re not too big, not too small, but where donghyun’s fingers are long and slender, joochan’s are long and irregular. some fingers are thick at his knuckles, but taper in everywhere else, while others are just a bit thicker than donghyun’s. his hands are rougher than donghyun’s and maybe that’s because joochan plays a lot of instruments or makes a lot of things with his hands. donghyun doesn’t mind though. he doesn’t mind the callouses, or how joochan’s fingers aren’t perfect. he likes how different their hands are, how well they seem to fit together and unconsciously, his fingers tighten around joochan’s. joochan only squeezes his hand in response.

they make it to the train station before the first drop of rain hits the ground and by the time they’ve sorted out donghyun’s ticket and seat, it’s pouring outside. the whole time, joochan has a gentle smile on his face, taking donghyun’s hand whenever he has the chance to as they move around the station and as always, donghyun is grateful for the distraction.

he’s thankful for hong joochan.

“come and watch me,” donghyun murmurs, his fingers almost digging into the back of joochan’s hand when they stand in front of the gate. turning to face him, donghyun chews on his bottom lip, his eyes searching joochan’s for an answer. “please? please, tell me you’ll be there.”

his nerves are getting the best of him, because now it’s really happening, he’s really leaving, and his eyes are beginning to well with tears, his breath is starting to pick up again and his heart is hammering in his chest at the thought of going back on his own.

no no no no _no_ , he can’t panic now.

his hands are starting to shake, his chest starts to hurt and he turns away from joochan because he doesn’t want to keep showing him this. but if he’s bothered by how hard donghyun is squeezing his hand, joochan doesn’t show it, instead bringing a hand up to turn donghyun back towards him, brushing his fringe from his face and then cupping his face to wipe a stray tear that falls down his cheek.

“i’ll be there,” he promises, his voice warm and sweet. donghyun takes a shuddering breath and joochan nods encouragingly, still smiling, squeezing his hand gently. “remember, you need to believe in yourself.”

this time, donghyun nods and joochan steps closer, leaning in to gently press his lips against donghyun’s forehead. he almost stops breathing altogether, feeling all the heat rush to his face and his forehead is tingling where joochan’s lips are. his chest still hurts, but his heart is beating for a different reason and he really doesn’t know what his body is doing anymore.

he knows his ears are red, he knows he looks like a mess and he hates that joochan keeps seeing him like this, but at the same time he’s also glad because really, only joochan is allowed to see him like this. and when joochan pulls back, slowly letting their hands drop, he can see pink dusted across his cheeks too as he rubs the back of his neck with a shy laugh.

“anyway, i believe in you. i promise i’ll come and see you dance.”

his heart is still caught up in a mix of emotions, but donghyun nods anyway, the corners of his lips pulling back in a slight smile. “okay.” he mumbles, twisting his fingers over each other. what does he say to him now?

“donghyun,” joochan calls. donghyun lifts his head and then joochan is smiling at him once more, reaching out to press something into his hand. it’s one of the lucky charms they’d bought at a temple joochan had taken him to, the one for happiness. he stares at it for a moment, running his thumb over the soft surface and then his eyes soften as he hears joochan speak again. “good luck.”

closing his hand around the amulet, donghyun takes a deep breath and he smiles bit more, the words he’d been wanting to tell joochan coming to him naturally.

“thank you for everything.”

he paces up and down backstage, fiddling with the strings hanging from his sleeves as he listens to the crowd roar for his senior, park jaeseok. swallowing, donghyun nervously stands in front of the full-length mirror, making sure nothing is out of place and that his hair and makeup are still okay, thinking it’d be really nice if the ground could open up a hole to swallow him up right about now.

chewing on the inside of his cheek, since he’d been told off for chewing on his lip, he watches as jaeseok hyung jogs down the stairs, high-fiving daeyeol who gives donghyun a thumbs up before going up on stage.

he’s next.

“how are you feeling?” jaeseok asks, coming to a stop beside him, his skin shining from his sweat, his chest heaving for air. donghyun makes an unintelligible sound, watching jaeseok pick up a random handheld fan from a chair. “feeling okay?”

donghyun swallows, finally letting go of his cheek. he’ll have an ulcer there later. “yeah,” he manages, almost whispering, his eyes wide and unfocused, but fixed on the stage. “i think so.”

“if you dance as hard as you’ve practiced, you’ll be alright.” jaeseok says encouragingly, patting donghyun’s shoulder. the younger smiles nervously, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, feeling his heart pound against his chest. his head is full of what ifs and his trembling fingers curl around the amulet in his pocket, wishing and wishing that joochan was here backstage with him.

he doesn’t even know if joochan is here.

they’d exchanged numbers one night and since then, donghyun had only sent him the event link of his performance that joochan had promised to attend. in response, joochan sent him a thumbs up and a picture of his confirmed ticket and that was the only conversation they’d had since they parted that day in kamakura.

maybe he’d lied and told him he was coming just to make him feel better. maybe joochan was still travelling the world and enjoying his life as a free soul. he didn’t really have any obligation to come anyway. why would he? donghyun was just a stranger he’d met on his travels.

but were they really strangers?

closing his eyes, donghyun inhales through his nose and exhales slowly. no, he couldn’t think like that. he had to believe in joochan, had to believe in himself. he’d worked so hard on this for months and it’d pay off today. he had plenty of successful practices and rehearsals and today his family and friends were all here to support him.

_i’m okay. i’m okay. i can do this, i’m okay._

“donghyun,” jaeseok murmurs, squeezing his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts. “come on, it’s time to go up.”

and then all of a sudden his mouth is too dry and everything is moving too fast. the lights are dimmed, he’s being ushered on stage and daeyeol is quickly telling him he’ll do well and that they’ll be watching. he can’t remember if he answers, his vision is getting dark, making the auditorium darker than it already was and thankfully his body moves on autopilot because he just can’t _think._

somehow he ends up in the right position, the spotlight comes on and all he can hear is his blood racing in his ears. it’s too quiet and too loud at the same time and his heart is in his throat and he doesn’t know what to do.

_i can’t do this._

yet when the first beat drops, donghyun moves with it like second nature. he focuses on the music, letting it flow through him, consume him, clearing out his head of any unnecessary thoughts as it always does. he can’t hear the crowd, can’t see them beyond the light on stage and it helps, because now it’s just him and the music, dancing like no one’s there. it starts off as muscle memory, but eventually all of donghyun’s late night practices come back to him and his thoughts are in the present.

he can feel the muscles in his body tighten and then relax at the right times, moving his body as if his bones were really that pliable. there’s a few gasps of awe from the crowd, but he doesn’t pay attention to them, doesn’t pay attention to anything except himself and the music. everything he does feels so familiar and then he’s smiling because he hasn’t had this much fun dancing in ages. all the pent up stress he’d gathered over the last few months was finally being released today in this stage and he has to bite the inside of his cheek because he’s not really supposed to be smiling, but he can’t help himself.

it feels just like home.

and then it’s over in a matter of minutes and he’s in his ending pose, the crowd cheering just for him as the sweat drips down his neck. it takes him a moment or two, but eventually he straightens, bows and then steps to the side as the rest of his club begins to come back on stage, clapping with the crowd to welcome them.

he’s all sweaty and gross but daeyeol still throws his arm around donghyun’s shoulders as soon as he reaches him, squeezing him in a one-armed hug with a proud smile. “i knew you could do it.”

“you were worried about nothing.” jaeseok adds, just before they have to bow to the crowd, ending the show with their teacher thanking the audience for coming. they spend a moment longer on stage listening to the crowd cheer and then they’re making their way off and that’s when chaos breaks.

everyone is cheering for each other so loud that they could be heard from outside, clapping each other on the back with bright smiles, laughter and then there’s all the compliments, _you’ve worked hards_ and a few tears as everyone tries to reign in their emotions. donghyun can’t help but get caught up in the mess, his tears forming the more he laughs, complimenting everyone and anyone who would listen because really, they’ve all done so well.

 _he’s_ done well.

they stop long enough for them to take a group photo and then everyone is moving out to meet their family and friends and donghyun can’t help but greet his parents with a bright smile on his face. minchan is indifferent with his praise, but donghyun knows not to take him too seriously because that’s how they’ve always been. sungyoon claps him over the back before turning to daeyeol and jaeseok, bomin is teasing him and then is yelling because youngtaek is jumping onto his back and his dad is trying to get some more photos of his oldest son in this moment, but instead of paying attention, donghyun’s eyes search for a certain blond in the crowd.

he can feel the amulet in his pocket and his heart is hoping he’s wrong in his earlier thoughts, but there’s so many people still in the auditorium and he doesn’t even know where to start. is he still sitting down? is he already nearby? maybe he left and sent a message. maybe he never came at all.

it takes a little while of him giving his family and friends distracted answers until he spots him, the familiar blond watching him with a familiar smile just a little while away, giving him a small, shy wave from his spot next to the wall. donghyun beams, excusing himself hastily as he makes his way through the throng of people, almost running towards joochan who catches him in a hug as soon as he’s within arm’s reach.

“you came,” he breathes with a giddy laugh, tightening his arms around joochan’s neck. “you really came.”

joochan laughs, squeezing his waist reassuringly. “you did so, so well,” he murmurs into his ear, feeling donghyun smile against his skin. “i always knew you’d be great.” nuzzling his neck, donghyun inhales, feeling the tension in his shoulders slowly drain away the longer joochan holds him and he knows his family and friends are watching, but he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care because joochan is here and that’s all that matters to him right now.

he doesn’t want to part but he does anyway, since he can’t look at joochan if he’s hugging him like this, and almost instantly regrets his decision because his heart is skipping again and joochan is suddenly really, really close. “are you back for good?” donghyun mumbles, not sure why he’s talking so quietly in a room full of people.

joochan nods, an arm still around donghyun’s waist as he smiles a little, bringing a hand up to fix donghyun’s hair. “yeah, for a while anyway,” he chuckles, licking his lips. “but i was wondering if you’d come with me the next time i travel?”

the smaller man nods eagerly at that, his eyes curving up into gentle crescents when he smiles. “i’d really like that.”

“good,” joochan breathes. “because i don’t know what i’d do if you said no.”

and before donghyun can reply, joochan’s lips are on his, just as soft as he’d thought they would be. his fingers comb through donghyun’s hair as his tongue brushes across his slightly chapped lower lip and then donghyun’s lips part for him, letting joochan suck on his bottom lip for a moment before pulling away.

their noses brush while their breaths mingle, and joochan sighs in content as he presses another chaste kiss to the corner of donghyun’s mouth, laughing a little when donghyun makes a small noise of embarrassment upon realising what they just did in public. “your friends are watching.”

donghyun groans, hiding his face in his arm. “my parents saw that, didn’t they?”

this time joochan laughs properly, glancing over donghyun’s shoulder at his friends who are watching with teasing smiles, at his parents who only shake their head with a laugh and then at his brother who’s frowning. “yeah, they did.”

“ugh, okay. come on, i need to introduce you now or else they'll kill me.” donghyun sighs, pulling back reluctantly. his hand instantly searches for joochan’s and this time he’s the one to lace their fingers together, holding his hand tight as he leads joochan towards the group waiting for them. this time he’s not scared when he introduces joochan to his parents and to his friends, because he doesn’t need to be. the weight on his shoulders is gone, his chest feels light and his heart is soaring, all because he’s not drowning anymore.

all because joochan is here by his side.

and he can breathe again.


	2. because of you: hidden scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clearing his throat, donghyun turns to his parents, ignoring his friends’ teasing from the side. “anyway, he looked after me while i was there.”
> 
> "i'm sure he did." jaeseok says with a raised brow. daeyeol has to hide a laugh and donghyun frowns at him, attempting to step on his foot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself, okay. Some of this is actually part of the first draft of the main story, but then I realised it'd make a really cute "Joochan POV" fic, so this was initially supposed to be written from Joochan's perspective all the way but it changes at some point and oh well. Hope you enjoy!

he doesn’t quite know what to feel when he watches donghyun pass through the gates of the train station without looking back. he knows donghyun’s nervous, he knows he’s trying to keep it together, but it he almost wants him to turn around and tell him he’s staying; tell him that he’s not going back.

although maybe donghyun wants him to do the same.

but despite all of that, joochan smiles to himself, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he turns around to head to the exit. the wind hits him like a brick wall, but he moves to stand just beside the door anyway, watching the rain pour down around them while being sheltered by the veranda. at the very least, he’d managed to give donghyun his goodbye present and a bit more, and joochan’s smile widens when he remembers the way donghyun’s ears reddened, how his face flushed some more and how confused donghyun looked because of all the feelings he’d felt in that short period of time.

opening the umbrella, he holds it over his head and steps out into the rain, making his way back to the accommodation. well, looks like he had a flight to book and some people to call.

he can’t wait to see him again.

he watches as donghyun dances his heart out on stage, listens to the deafening cheer of the crowd as he finishes his performance and then after the thank you is done and when the lights come on, he goes to find him. it takes a little while because there’s so many people in the room trying to leave at once, but it’s not hard to because donghyun’s the one surrounded by everyone, receiving praises left, right and centre from passing friends and the group around him.

he sees donghyun searching for him amongst the crowd of people and he smiles, his heart fluttering because donghyun really was waiting for him. he doesn’t miss the way donghyun’s eyes light up when he finds him, doesn’t miss the sigh of relief donghyun breathes when he makes his way towards him and then he’s catching him, arms wrapped tight around his waist as donghyun presses his face into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply, breathing in his scent.

“you came,” donghyun breathes with a laugh, tightening his arms around his neck. “you really came.”

“you did so well,” he murmurs into his ear, squeezing his waist. he looked so good in his simple outfit that even joochan had watched on in awe, because the kim donghyun he’d met in japan was not the same man that’d just been dancing on stage in front of the crowd.

the donghyun he knew was always nervous, spent too much time in his head, had a short fuse and frowned a lot, but the donghyun that’d just been on stage had enjoyed himself, lived in the moment and was confident about every move he’d made (and was also sexy as hell, joochan adds, because that’s important). he’s still tense, still so nervous, the beat is still thrumming in through his veins, but joochan has never seen a bigger smile on his face and he decides that he really, really likes it when donghyun smiles like that.

he holds him for as long as donghyun needs, feeling the smaller man slowly relax in his arms, wondering if donghyun can feel his heartbeat through their clothes with how close they are, if he can feel how his heart just wants to leap out of his chest with how proud he is of him.

with how much he likes him.

and then donghyun is pulling back to look at him and joochan lets him, his smile never leaving his face as he watches a blush paint itself over donghyun’s cheeks. his eyes drop to glance at his lips with how close they are, but then donghyun is speaking and joochan has to pay attention because he’s mumbling. “are you back for good?”

reaching up to fix a kink in his hair, joochan nods, licking his lips, trying to fight the urge to kiss him. “yeah, for a while anyway,” and he chuckles, his nerves getting the better of him because would donghyun be mad if he did? maybe. “but i was wondering if you’d come with me the next time i travel?”

it’s not what he wanted to say, but he goes with it anyway, his mind filled with nothing but donghyun, donghyun, _donghyun_ at this point, because donghyun’s giving him one of the prettiest smiles he’s ever seen, his eyes smiling with him. “i’d really like that.” is his answer, and joochan’s heart skips a beat.

“good,” he breathes, holding donghyun a little tighter, leaning in a little closer. “because i don’t know what i’d do if you said no.”

and then he kisses him, pressing his lips against donghyun’s slightly chapped ones, his fingers sinking into his soft hair, cupping the back of his head to hold him closer, as close as he can; his tongue brushing over his lips, making a small sound of approval when donghyun’s lips part for him. he can hear some people talking in around them, can feel people staring but he doesn’t care, taking donghyun’s bottom lip into his mouth for a moment before properly pulling away.

they’re panting when they part, trying to catch their breath and joochan licks his lips one more time because he really wouldn’t mind doing that again. his heart is singing as he lets out the rest of his nerves with a sigh, leaning in one more time to press his lips against the corner of donghyun’s lips because he can’t help it, and then he’s laughing a little because donghyun’s almost whining, hiding his face in his arms that are still around joochan’s neck.

“my parents saw that, didn’t they?”

joochan can’t help himself at that and he laughs properly, looking over donghyun’s shoulder at his family and friends who all look amused at donghyun’s sudden show of affection to a stranger. “yeah, they did.”

“ugh, okay. come on, i need to introduce you now or else they’ll kill me.” donghyun sighs, pulling his arms back and parting reluctantly. joochan doesn’t mind, his hand meeting donghyun’s halfway, his cheeks hurting with how much he’s smiling when donghyun’s the one to take the initiative to lace their fingers together, holding his hand tight as he follows him back to the group that’s waiting for them. joochan bows the moment they stop, suddenly feeling a little shy that he kissed donghyun in front of his parents. “hello auntie, uncle. i’m joochan.”

“this is the friend i met in japan.” donghyun adds and bomin clicks his tongue teasingly while sungyoon shakes his head with a knowing smile.

“i didn’t know friends kissed each other like that, hyung.” joochan looks to his side to see donghyun completely blushing now, waving his free hand at them in an attempt to shut them up, his ears almost the same colour as the crimson curtains hanging either side of the stage. he chuckles behind his hand, feeling donghyun squeeze his hand in warning and then he coughs, looking down at his shoes. how cute.

clearing his throat, donghyun turns to his parents, ignoring his friends’ teasing from the side. “anyway, he looked after me while i was there.”

"i'm sure he did." jaeseok says with a raised brow. daeyeol has to hide a laugh and donghyun frowns at him, attempting to step on his foot.

“it’s really nice to finally meet you, joochan,” his mother says, reaching out to take joochan’s free hand. joochan nods and squeezes her hand while telling her it was his pleasure. donghyun looked just like her.

“please continue to look after donghyun from now on. and come visit soon! we’re just about to leave, so definitely make sure you two visit soon, okay donghyun?” donghyun hums, promising to call them later while letting go of joochan’s hand to give his parents a hug, not forgetting to throw his arm over minchan’s shoulder, telling him to listen to their parents well.

“look at him nag at people again,” jaeseok sighs, folding his arms over his chest as they watch donghyun send his family off. “and he was so quiet before he went up too.”

“i think it’s alright. at least he’s back to normal,” youngtaek says, finally letting go of bomin to stand next to him instead. turning his attention to the latest addition to the group, he grins at joochan instead. “anyway, hi! you’re joochan, right? i’m youngtaek!”

one by one his friends introduce themselves and then they launch into an interrogation, asking joochan all the questions under the sun like they were donghyun’s parents instead. how old is he, what does he do, is he korean or japanese, does he live in seoul, is he planning to go to uni soon, how did they meet, what did they do in japan, is he joining them for dinner– “guys, stop, you’re going to scare him off.”

“you suddenly go to japan without telling us, then you come back with a mystery guy in tow and you’re not even going to tell us anything about him?” sungyoon asks incredulously, his brows raising at the dancer. beside him, youngtaek is nodding, his eyes wide as if he was just about to say the same thing.

daeyeol and jaeseok continue to look amused and bomin’s bottom lip juts out in a slight pout. “but hyung, we just want to make sure he’s a good fit for you.”

donghyun squints at that, staring his friends down while searching for joochan’s hand again, sliding his fingers between joochan’s. the blond notices daeyeol nudging jaeseok while pointing it out to him and joochan has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing. at least donghyun seemed well looked after in his friend group. “aren’t i old enough to decide that on my own?”

“i mean, you do make questionable decisions sometimes.” joochan finally says, pretending to be hurt when donghyun uses his free hand to shove at his shoulder.

“you’re right, maybe i shouldn’t have kissed you then.” donghyun grumbles, rolling his eyes at the blond, and joochan has to chase after him when he starts walking away to go get changed, telling his friends that they’d catch up with them later and to just message donghyun.

he doesn’t manage to catch up with donghyun before he reaches the green room, so he waits outside for the brunet to get changed and then surprises him by pulling him into a quiet corner, his hands on donghyun’s hips to keep him close while he presses gentle kisses to his neck in apology. “your friends sound like fun.”

“ugh, you haven’t even met jangjun hyung yet.” donghyun frowns, starting to wriggle to escape from joochan’s grasp. the younger breathes a _nah uh_ , pushing donghyun back so he’s leaning against the wall and then their gazes meet, his brown eyes sparking with mirth while donghyun looks confused.

“so,” joochan starts, flicking his fringe out of his face. donghyun sighs, reaching up to fix it for him and joochan grins, his fingers curling around donghyun’s belt loops. “how will you introduce me to the rest of your friends?”

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve only introduced me to your friends and family as _just_ joochan,” the blond points out, a laugh bubbling in his throat because donghyun’s beginning to look flustered when he realises where this is going and joochan thinks he’s really, really cute. “am i just joochan to you?”

donghyun licks his lips, looking everywhere and anywhere but at the man in front of him as he tries to stutter out an answer. “and i don’t think friends just randomly kiss each other like that either.”

“okay. okay,” donghyun finally says, playing with joochan’s plaid shirt. he takes a moment to word his answer, playing with the buttons and then he takes a deep breath, his blush darkening. “i’ll introduce you to them as my boyfriend. is that better?”

joochan doesn’t know how much happier he can get today, so he leans in to kiss him one more time, hearing donghyun gasp in surprise. he takes his time this time, pressing closer while nibbling on donghyun’s lip to get him to open up, feeling his fingers curl into his plaid shirt. they kiss like they have all the time in the world, only parting when the need for air becomes too great for the both of them and then donghyun’s pressing his forehead against joochan’s, panting like he’s just danced another routine.

his eyes are still closed and joochan finds that he likes being the first one to open his eyes. it means he can watch donghyun as his eyes open slowly, his gaze lifting to meet his shyly and then he’s breathlessly telling joochan he can’t keep surprising him with kisses like that.

“or what?” joochan challenges, kissing his cheek. “what will you do?”

“ugh, just…” donghyun pulls away, trying to think up of a punishment suitable for his new boyfriend, but it’s really hard to think when the blond is stupidly grinning like the cute dumbass he is. “just stop, okay! you’re so annoying, god.”

he pushes joochan away so he can walk around him, biting on his bottom lip with a shy smile as he listens to joochan catch up to him, feeling his rougher hands curl around his slightly smaller one. and while he’s checking his messages for where his friends are going for dinner, joochan hums.

“you know, you can keep calling me ‘god’ if you want. i don’t mind.”

donghyun rolls his eyes. “i’ll leave you.”

“you wouldn’t dare.”

and then donghyun is the one who’s grinning when he darts off, swiftly making his way past the people who are left to sort out the last of the equipment, laughing when he hears his boyfriend yell at him from behind.

“hey, kim donghyun!”

 _boyfriend_.

he likes that word.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little nervous to post this, omg. I know some of you guys have been waiting since I posted that teaser on twitter, so firstly thank you so much for waiting from the 12th until now! I didn't actually think I'd finish it on Donghyun's birthday either, so I guess it's also kind of a birthday fic? Happy birthday Donghyun!
> 
> Regarding the fic though, I tried to focus a lot on Donghyun trying to bring his thoughts back to the present and on how on edge he always was. Some parts also sound really rushed and I promise that was mostly intentional. I'm not quite sure if that came across well, but that was the intention anyway. Of course, everyone experiences anxiety differently and I can only write a bit about my experiences, but I hope I did it justice somehow and I hope you guys enjoyed reading this fic!


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